Post-Lying-Vegetarian Sandwiches

Once my husband and I went to great lengths to prepare a special meal for a dinner guest we were told was a strict vegetarian.  We asked if she was an occasionally cheaty one who  dabbled in seafood or the odd piece of poultry.  Absolutely not.

You can imagine our confusion when she announced at the dinner table that foie gras was her favorite food just as my husband was serving her some meatless dish that kept him a slave in the kitchen all day.  Naturally, we inquired as to what the truth was.  “I am a vegetarian, but foie gras is bloody delicious.  So is lamb.  I shared a perfect leg the other night.”

Air kisses were exchanged upon her departure.  Air kisses.  That is the perfect name for them as the gesture could not be emptier or more devoid of affection.  I think it’s actually the only kiss that can mean “fuck you.”

When the door shut we headed straight to the kitchen for cured meat snacks.  I sat on the counter dangling my legs, while my husband, King of All Our Ibérico, doled out pieces of delicious pork.  That’s when inspiration struck and I created the ultimate sandwich.

My recipe calls for Ibérico as that’s what we had on hand (And because it’s the most delicious thing ever.  It tastes like butter made from ham.), but you can make this recipe with prosciutto or whatever else suits.   I always eat it in reverent silence as if filled with the Holy Spirit, El Puerco.  To me, pork is proof that God exists and that he loves us very much.

This sandwich is also great after a champagne inspired swing from the chandelier. Which is exactly when you need something as hot and salty as you are.

Ingredients to have handy:

A good loaf of Italian bread

Buffalo mozzarella

Jamon Ibérico or whatever thinly sliced ham you choose

3 eggs

¼ c. – ½ c. of cream

Fresh marjoram

Fresh rosemary

Fresh basil

Salted butter

Olive oil

Good grainy mustard


Slice the bread  ¾ of an inch thick.  Next, slice the mozzarella barely ¼ of an inch thick.  Lay the cheese on one slice of bread so the entire area is covered in creamy goodness.  Top the cheese with a thin layer of ham then add another layer of cheese.  This is necessary to ensure the contents of your sandwich do not escape the bread.  Think of the mozzarella as an adhesive.

Whisk the eggs and cream with crudely chopped herbs, roughly a heaping tablespoon of each.

Heat a pad of butter and a drizzle of olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat.  Dredge the sandwiches in the egg mixture and cook until golden brown.  Serve with mustard.


12 thoughts on “Post-Lying-Vegetarian Sandwiches

    • There is nothing like being unnecessarily deprived of something to make you revel in all its sensory experiences directly after. Thanks for reading. I’m glad you enjoyed the air kiss bit. Polite society is funny, huh?

  1. God God, how rude that dinner guest was. I’m amazed you didn’t punch her. This sandwich sounds delicious. I am currently eating cheese and biscuits for my v late breakfast. Much prefer salty things to eat in the morning!

  2. Damn, I think I missed this recipe when posted earlier, so am very glad you returned to it after your trip to Lina’s. I went there with a Sicilian friend, in 1982. He was silent and & overwhelmed by the magnificence of it all, London. He was not expecting it.

    • When I was pregnant with Helena, we attended birthing classes taught by a doula who suggested we visualize ourselves in a happy place the moment labor pains begin. My happy place was Henry’s arms. My new happy place is in Henry’s arms in Lina.

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